NowHereThis
by Prednewc
Summary: We spend so much of our lives not living. Escaping from Now; when we are, Here; where we are, and This; what we are doing. Kames... ish
1. Now

This story is inspired by the new musical .This. by Hunter Bell, Jeff Bowen, and Susan Blackwell.

* * *

Now.

I was sitting in the lobby. I knew I should have been somewhere else. I knew that they would be walking right by me. But for some reason I like to torture myself.

Every time the elevator would ding I would flinch. But I still didn't leave. I'm still not sure why I was waiting for them, but eventually they walked off the elevator.

I pretended not to watch as his slender frame came into view. He flicked his sandy hair and I could see his emerald eyes sparkle. He took her hand as they made their way across the lobby.

"Hey James!" was all I got from him before he walked out the door. Out the door on a date with another girl who he would love more than me. I watched as the red streaks in her dark hair flipped around the corner.

My mind immediately went back to Kendall's first date with Jo. Watching him leave with her was just as painful as watching him leave with Lucy just was.

He and Jo were so cutesy and coupley, right from the start. They giggled and held hands and clung to each other like their lives depended on it.

I remember when they got back from their date he carried her across the threshold, bridal style. I remember how much my heart broke when they first kissed, when Kendall told me they had had sex, when he said he loved her.

My heart broke, but I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say anything because Kendall didn't know how I felt.

* * *

_Carlos and I were hurrying down the hall as soon as we heard the signs of a fight. We were just planning on watching it. Well, just planning on watching until we saw who was fighting, three big guys from the football team, they had to be seniors, were surrounding Kendall and Logan. _

_Logan was on the ground curled in a ball being kicked while Kendall threw wild punches trying to get them off. _

_Without even thinking about it Carlos and I dove into the brawl, attempting to even the odds, four freshmen versus three seniors. Well, really three on three, Logan was down for the count. _

_As soon as we joined in the big guys lost their focus on Logan and started attacking us. I can't remember the details, everything just blurred together. _

_At one moment everything stopped. Kendall grabbed Carlos' helmet, pulled it off his head and put it on mine. He smiled at me, "Gotta protect the face!" and then he went back to the fight._

_I got lost in that moment. Kendall was the best guy in the world. I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi, but at that moment I knew that I was attracted to men because I was definitely in love with Kendall Knight. My knight. _

_I was brought back into the present by a strong blow to the stomach, shifting my focus back to the matter at hand, but I knew I wouldn't be able to forget those feelings._

* * *

I had dealt with Kendall dating, with all of the girls that were always head over heels for him. I had pretended to be straight so that he wouldn't ever find out how I felt.

I didn't have a chance with him. I knew that. I didn't want to know that. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be wrong so bad it may have clouded my judgment just a little…

* * *

_Kendall was laying on the couch. He'd finally stopped moping around, crying about Jo. Logan said something about his depression turning to anger, but I didn't really get it._

"_Jamesey old boy, I am done with women." He told me as I walked out of mine and Carlos' room. "Done with 'em! They're no good! The whole lot of 'em!"_

_I wasn't sure how to react. He looked so serious… "I can't picture you celibate…"_

"_HAH! It's not worth it! They're an evil breed, the vagina endowed…" now I knew he was just screwing around…_

"_I mean, you could just be gay then. That way you get the sex and not the evil, evil vagina!" I half joked half wished he'd take me seriously… okay, I may have been wishing a little more than half._

"_That, sir, sounds like a great plan. I'll just switch teams. A life with just men sounds delightful." He played along. _

_I knew he was just joking, but I had never heard him talk about gays. I had always thought he would be homophobic, that if I told him he would freak out and stop being my friend… Hearing him joke about it, how okay he was with it, how it didn't matter… Hearing those things pulled some courage up from somewhere inside of me. _

"_I think I might be gay…"was what ended up popping out of my mouth. I managed to say it so nonchalantly and calm. So very James Diamond._

"_Oh really now? Well lucky you." He laughed, apparently he didn't take me seriously, but I was not going to let this moment of courage pass me by._

"_No, I seriously think I'm gay." _

"_Oh… well… Cool! Just, don't fall in love with me or anything."_

_All I could do was let out a little chuckle until I regained my composure, "Like that would ever happen… pfft! Have you seen you? Have you seen me?" _

"_Hah, good point, I am not worthy of the face. Wait. If you're gay then I can't switch teams. This opens up the playing field… If only all women weren't evil." He continued his rant._

* * *

'_Just don't fall in love with me or anything…'_ his words ran through my head again… Even though he was okay with me being gay, I would give anything to go back to before he had said those words to me…

* * *

Comments? Reviews?


	2. Here

Here.

I looked around the pool. Carlos and Logan were talking about something, but I couldn't focus on what it was they were saying so I just nodded occasionally, pretending to listen.

Honestly, I wasn't really there at all. My body was lounging at the pool, but my mind was off somewhere else. Somewhere happy.

* * *

_I'm moving so fast, the cool air breezes dry against my face, the ice gliding by beneath my skates. I swerve around him pulling the puck with me. I'm moving too fast, I'm too agile, he just can't catch up to me. I slap the puck straight into the empty net. _

"_And WHAT! I just made you my bitch!" I yell as Kendall digs in to the ice, spraying shavings everywhere as he stops next to me._

"_Yeah yeah… Don't get cocky, Daimond…"He turns away, and skates over to the net, retrieving the puck._

"_I can't help it when I'm this much better than you!" I jeer as we both skate to the center for another go. _

_I'm about to go when he looks me in the eye, smirks that Kendall Knight signature smirk, and winks. Before I can even process what's happening he's already scored._

"_Oh you're so much better than me!" he mocks me as I slowly turn around to face him. _

_He skates up close to me. "I knew I could get you with that one. It's cause you looooooove me." He teases me like a three year old._

"_Do not!" I respond in kind, batting at him playfully._

"_Do too! But it's okay. I like it." He pulls me in close. I can feel his breath on my lips._

* * *

Wait… what? The slow realization that that will never happen makes me want to escape again.

I turn to Carlos and Logan, they're still talking about something. I don't really understand them, I guess I missed too much of the conversation.

Not knowing what else to do I retreat back into my mind.

* * *

_I'm singing into the mic. The sound booth is empty except for him and me. I don't know why, nor do I care._

_I don't even know what I'm singing, or what he's singing. It doesn't matter. We're singing to each other._

_Suddenly the music stops. He's looking at me. I'm looking at him. Something about him makes me want to go crazy. _

_We both lean in. We're about to kiss. Our noses brush against each other-_

* * *

"James! Have you heard a single thing I just said? Where did you just go?" Logan said as he hit me upside the head.

I looked over at Kendall sitting with Lucy by the fire pit, "Anywhere but here."


	3. This

Sorry for such a long wait… I promise I'll get the next chapter out soon… also the next chapter is the last…

* * *

This.

Kendall was sprawled out on the comfy orange couch telling us about how things are going with Lucy.

I was struggling to act like I cared, act like I wanted to know these things. Kendall really wanted to tell us about it so I sat there and stared at him.

As he started talking I realized how much I couldn't handle it, so I retreated into my mind. Into a place where I was the one he was talking about. It made it all so much more bearable.

Kendall talked about how he had taken me to a movie the other night. Naturally, we ended up making out more than watching the movie and neither of us could even guess what the actual plot was.

At some point I got a lot more aggressive than he expected, when I tried to unbutton his pants in the theatre, sliding my hand down his pants. He rejected me, telling me he wasn't comfortable with that yet.

After we went to dinner, and we talked a lot about Music. We didn't have the same taste in music though, and I told him I thought the music he liked was kinda dumb.

When Kendall tried to bring up Hockey I would cut him off because all I could talk about was my music and my career. Not even music in general just my music.

Eventually we finished eating and headed back to the Palmwoods, where I invited Kendall into my apartment for the sex. Again Kendall told me that he wanted to take it a little slower than that.

This morning we were hanging out by the pool and Kendall finally managed to bring up his love of hockey, saying he wanted to take me out on the ice at some point.

Apparently I didn't like that idea, in fact I told him that I thought hockey was stupid and then I called him Canadian... Apparently that's a thing people think. Hockey is only played in Canada…

Kendall got mad and told me that he didn't think it was gonna work out between us. He said that I couldn't think about anyone but myself, and we have nothing in common.

This made me angry, pissed even. And apparently when I'm angry I get mean.

I called Kendall a fag, saying it wasn't gonna work out cause Kendall likes dick, and I should have known when he wouldn't have sex with me.

-Wait… what? This is not how I saw this going… I pulled myself out of the horrid fantasy. Did Kendall really just say that he likes boys?

"Can you believe that? She accused me of being gay because I wouldn't have sex with her skanky ass on the first date! What a bitch!" Kendall answered my unspoken question.

"Heh… yeah, you're anything but gay. Who would ever think that." I mumbled, but my disappointment must have come across as sarcasm.

"Woah, Jamie. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but in what way do I come across as gay?" Kendall said to me, a simple question, no hostility.

"In what ways do I? Not everyone is a stereotype!" I yelled at him. Why did I yell at him? I was completely un provoked and pretty much just came out to Logan and Carlos accidentally…

Welp nothing to do now but own up to it and apologize… Or, I can just storm into my room and slam the door, because apparently that's what I've already done.

Why am I being so irrational? Why is this happening?

I just can't deal with this.


End file.
